June 16, 2014

Mother, May I?

As I scan the baker's dozen posts I have in draft, spanning probably a year or more of writing attempts, I think it's time to accept that the days of my more prolific blogging (if I can put it that way) are likely behind me.  Even though it's been far longer since my last posts, I only recently acknowledged that this clearly wasn't the temporary burnout lull I wanted it to be.

Hang on, don't get ahead of me here - I'm not saying I'm done altogether.  Trust me, I'd wax at least a bit more poetic and certain conjure up more valuable sentiments if this were my last post.  This isn't The End, but I think it's time to accept it is a transition point.  Or more precisely, that we passed through this transition some time ago but stubbornly refused to flip over the map and keep going.  It's time now.

Baller pic found here.
In my advanced age (these late-20's years are a doozie, people) I've made the move from permission-seeker to permission-granter; my mother isn't responsible for me anymore, I am.  I grant myself permission to focus my energies on aspects of my life that need more of me right now.  I've always liked my jobs, but I'm finally working in my industry (not-for-profit healthcare) and in a position to put all the skills and ideas I've developed into play.  A new diagnosis of PCOS is also consuming many of my resources - I have so much to learn as well as figure out by trial-and-error, and many plans to reshape.  And who knew that having a whole house (not to mention an insanely fertile (read, overgrown) yard trying to reclaim any cleared area) would take so much time compared to that required by a two room apartment!

I learned something else.  I learned that stepping away from something doesn't mean it isn't important to me.  In fact, I suspect I may make a foray into the world of infertility awareness in the not too distant future.  But for now, I'm going to continue loving the health activism world from a slightly more passive stance.  I need this right now, and I need to be ok with it.  So I'm kicking the guilt out of my life; no more sheepish glances at the Blogger button my toolbar, and I won't be embarrassed to mention my old blog posts as if I had failed.  I had a lot of success so far and between you and me, I think I will again, but I need to live a little more in the middle here.  Thank you for understanding, as I know you do.

Not to leave you on such a "blah" note, here is an excerpt from a conversation I had the other day with a friend.  Sometimes when I go on tirades they are just too funny to keep to ourselves, and public opinion was that I should share this with you.  I want to go on record that I think gender equality means supporting both men and women in their unique gifts and challenges...but there are times when, to use my mother's expression, you just have to call a duck a duck, and this was one of them!

I don't understand engendered fertility.  With absolutely no pain or exertion, the testes produce millions of sperm every day.  They produce so much that men actually, medically, have to expel some of the supply every few days to ensure the quality.  This starts young, they go through a mildly embarrassing phase as they adjust to it, and it continues in many cases until they die or at least until they're too old to care.  Women, on the other hand, go through a potentially very embarrassing phase, which is never really foolproof and can always surprise attack later in life, which can be uncomfortable and annoying at best and more likely involve quite a bit of pain and systemic effects (such as exhaustion, water retention, headaches, etc) just to rid their body of the habitat for the one or POSSIBLY two ovum they produced at a shot.  This issue does eventually disappear but is replaced with a long and equally challenging change process and ultimately followed by imbalances.  And to top it off, sperm released inside the body can survive 2-3 days waiting around for an ovum (just like men to sit around), whereas the ovum, once released, will only take a quick pass through and keep on moving in a 1-2 day span.

Now, I believe in God and all but I can't help but ask "who came UP with this scheme?"